Often, we will have voices in our heads that tell us we are not good enough or to lower our expectations in order to not get hurt or disappointed. Those are just a few of the tricks our mind plays, especially when you are feeling depressed, alone, or just out of sorts. Rather than accepting what they say, you can challenge these inner voices and keep their messages in a better perspective.

This is the principle behind cognitive-behavioral therapy, which aims to change our thought patterns, our conscious and unconscious beliefs, our attitudes, and, ultimately, our behavior. Once we get that straightened out, you can face any difficulty and shoot for any goal. A few short months in this type of therapy is often enough to train our brains to stop and reflect on our thoughts. You can reinforce it with books or lists you keep to track your own behavior.

First, let’s see which of these has been eating away at you, then learn some techniques to clear them out:

Tricks Your Mind Plays

There are 15 main messages that can undermine even the most balanced thinkers.

1. Filtering Out the Good

You ignore all the positive things in life to focus only on the negative parts of your day. Dozens of events occur in a day, so why dwell on only the ones that went wrong or brought you stress. Think about the good moments as well and give them equal time or more. 

2. Black-and-White Thinking

People are either with you or against you. You think you’re a loser because you lost one battle. Everyone loves you or everyone hates you. It sounds irrational when you say it because it is. The world is far more nuanced so keep that in mind.

3. Overgeneralization

You had one experience with a person or organization and have passed judgment on them and everything they do. You missed one opportunity, so you decide to never take another shot at your dream. It is far healthier to consider more evidence before coming up with a verdict. 

4. Jumping to Conclusions

You read far more into a person’s reaction than you should and without considering other factors. Just because a neighbor ignored you doesn’t mean she doesn’t like you. She may have other things on her mind. This lack of logic makes you assign more meaning to small events than you should.

5. Making a Mountain Out of a Molehill

This is also known as catastrophizing, magnifying, or minimizing. You expect the worst and downplay anything good arising from a situation. For example, you think one small error at work will get you fired. Remember to give yourself credit where it’s due. Also, after imagining a catastrophe, reflect when things don’t go as badly as you predicted and remember that for next time. 

6. Personalization

You take on extra blame for things that are not your fault. In sports, some fans may believe that they cause their team to lose by not wearing a lucky jersey. At work, you may think your role in a project made it unsuccessful. Consider the fact that the world does not revolve around you. 

7. All Power or No Power

You are either all-powerful OR everything that happens to you arises from pure luck. You choose to ignore the roles of other people or factors, by choosing one of these extremes of the other. On one hand, you can stop trying since every decision is up to fate or you become a narcissist, taking credit for everyone else’s work. Both options make no sense.

8. Life Is Not Fair

You take an extreme view on what is fair and what is not — and how it affects you personally. Accept that you win some and lose some, then move on.

9. Assigning Blame

You never take responsibility when things go awry, opting to point a finger at others instead. Or you blame other people for making you feel fat, insecure, sad, or any other emotion. You are responsible for your actions and inner drama. Get over it.

10. The Game of ‘Should’

Your moral compass is set rigidly on some expectations and you do not cope well when they are not met. This goes hand in hand with a sense of fairness. You expect to be treated a certain way as a customer and get upset when you are let down. Or you beat yourself up if you defy a self-imposed rule, such as a budget or how you parent. Ask yourself if these rules are really set in stone before you freak out.

11. Talking Yourself Into a Certain Feeling

Your little voice tells you that you look fat or you dropped the ball, and you apply the word ‘always’ to the conversation. The next thing you know, you undermine your confidence by replaying that message. Challenging that voice is the only way to shut it down.

12. Putting Other People in Charge of Our Fates

Your life will be great if this company hires you or if this person asks you out on a date. Then your happiness depends on someone else’s decision, which is often beyond our control. You absolve yourself of any responsibility for your outcomes.

13. Labeling

This is a form of generalizing in that you pass judgment on a person or experience based on a narrow piece of information. If you don’t play golf well one day, you will never be good at any sport. If your neighbor takes a day off to do something fun, she is irresponsible. You oversimplify and magnify a conclusion at the same time.

14. Always Being Right

You are always right. Period. You override other people’s views and never admit when you make a mistake. Your feelings trump everyone else, which is just not realistic.

15. Heaven’s Reward Is Coming

You expect your good deeds to pay off, with karma coming your way in the future. However, you may be disappointed if things don’t work out as planned. 

19 CBT Techniques to Train Those Voices

Now that you know what’s playing in your head, here are some tools and techniques used in cognitive behavioral therapy to address or reverse these distortions.

1. Writing in a Journal

This helps you identify your thought patterns and emotional tendencies, describe them, then change, adapt, or cope with them. You can capture information about the time moods changed, what inspired it, how intense it was, and how you reacted. Watch for trends when you go back and look at past entries.

2. Identifying the Distortions

Listen to the voices and become consciously aware of what they are saying. Are their messages fair or accurate?

3. Confront Them

Now that you ‘hear’ the voices, ask yourself where they came from and why you trust them. Challenge what they are telling you compared to reality. You could be internalizing messages from a hypercritical parent or controlling spouse. Ask if you agree with their assessments. Do you need to be thin to be pretty? Do you need a high-paying stressful job to be happy? You decide, using your rational mind.

4. Stop OCD Habits

If you have an obsessive-compulsive disorder, you expose yourself to a normally chaotic scenario – such as unsorted blocks – and leave them as they are. You have to override your desire to control a situation that has a low-impact outcome.

5. Stop Reacting to Sensations

To help with anxiety and panic disorders, you are exposed to a sensation – such as being alone or in a dark space – and address any unhelpful beliefs without being able to avoid them. For example, being in a small room will not make you stop breathing or die. You may feel discomfort but by surviving the encounter, you learn it is less dangerous – or catastrophic – than expected.

6. Rewriting Your Nightmares

If you have a recurring dream, you revisit it in the daylight and walk through the emotions it elicits. You confront those feelings and develop a new storyline with a better ending.

7. Rewriting a Worst-Case Scenario

This time, you imagine a situation that you expect to end disastrously – like a high-pressure job interview – and walk through every step from start to finish. By creating a storyline, you overcome the fear and anxiety associated with it.

8. Directed Muscle Relaxation

If you’ve ever done a body scan, this is the next step. Progressively relax one body part at a time until all of you have loosened up. You can use an audio file or just walk yourself through it. It makes you focus and calm yourself.

9. Relaxed Breathing

Bringing a regular and calm pace to your breath will allow you to approach your stressors from a place of balance will help you see things more clearly. This helps with anxiety, depression, OCD, and panic disorder.

10. Behavioral Experiments

Play a game of ‘what if.’ Ask what would motivate you to reach a certain goal then test-drive each option in a sentence. Would pushing yourself to work day and night do it, even though you could burn out and lose your marriage? What if you were kinder to yourself and found a mentor or created a strategy to map out the next steps? Those sound much better. Mission accomplished!

11. Thought Records

Choose a specific thought and capture all the evidence to see if it is valid or not. “I am a bad parent” may have been planted by a judgmental in-law. Run through a few days of activities to see when you were kind, patient, and supportive, and when you lost your patience or said something detrimental. Then apply logic to maybe conclude, “I tend to snap more at my children when they are in public and I should find other ways to communicate with them.”

12. Schedule Pleasant Activities

Give yourself a break and ward off depression more effectively. Having a fun activity to look forward to can really brighten your days. Plan to watch a favorite TV show or movie. Make a date to have a beer with your beloved brother. Keep it small and casual, preferably finding an option that makes you laugh or strengthens a personal relationship. Make sure it is a guilt-free activity, so you don’t regret splurging on tequila or ice cream.

13. Prepare for Your Next Battle

Go back and revisit a negative experience and analyze what emotions and thoughts popped up. Did you want to hit someone, go hide or break something they love? Replay it until these cues become obvious, remaining calm and analytical. Now, the next time this happens, you will understand the landscape and respond better.

14. Rank Your Stresses

If you have social anxiety, make a list of situations you avoid, then assign each one a number in terms of severity in which you would avoid it. It may be easier for you to call a long-lost friend than walk up to a stranger and ask for directions, for example. Use a scale of 1 to 10. Next, try the lowest ranking one and see how it goes. Slowly work your way through the list. 

15. Mindful Meditation

Stop and look deep inside yourself in search of peace and good. Repeat a mantra and relax, without distractions. This can help you with depression, anxiety, addiction, and many other mental disorders.

16. Take One Step at a Time

An old joke asks “How do you eat an elephant?” And the answer is “One bite at a time.” Similarly, you can break virtually any large goals into manageable pieces. Map out the journey as your first step. You can also identify any resources you need for each one – such as money for fees or the expertise of a plumber – to ground yourself. Accomplishing each one will give you an emotional boost.

17. Counteract Negative Thoughts

If you face a recurring negative thought, you may have trouble taming it by just trying to shut it down. Instead, write it down. Next to it, write a positive thought that is the opposite. “I am stupid” becomes “I was a strong student.” The message of “I will never fall in love” becomes “I haven’t met the love of my life yet, but I will keep looking.” You can get silly but stay positive.

18. Visualize the Happiest Parts of Your Day

Rather than come in the door complaining about what went wrong, tell yourself and your loved ones about the bright spots. Even better, write them down. This makes you grateful and focuses on the positive. It doesn’t wipe out the negative memories but doesn’t highlight them either.

19. Reframe Your Negative Thoughts

If you go to a party expecting to have a bad time, you probably will. Instead, keep an open mind and try to find an enjoyable part of the evening. Maybe your host has stunning artwork, or you meet someone with a mutual hobby. Try to match five good things for every negative one. 

Reference: https://positivepsychology.com/cbt-cognitive-behavioral-therapy-techniques-worksheets/